Monday, August 20, 2012

Emotional Roller Coaster

All I can really say about the last few weeks is ... Wow! In time I hope to share details of all the things that have fallen into place – miraculously – as this part of our journey is coming to a close. Of course, the journey is really only just beginning. In less than a week (our agency called to let us know our gotcha day will be the 26th instead of the 27th!) we'll have our girl with us!! There is absolutely no way to predict what our lives will be like after that. It is totally and completely in God's hands, and we are praying He will help her transition smoothly. We know she will experience grief and loss as she will be leaving everything that is familiar. We pray that God will fill her with peace that passes understanding. 

I believe when you are so completely dependent on God to accomplish what you've set out to do, you have a heightened sensitivity to Him. You hear His voice in unexpected places and see Him everywhere you look. Come to think of it, why would I want to live my life any other way? This does make for quite an emotional ride, though ... I've definitely had to keep the tissues handy this week. 

Friday night I took Rylee and a few of her friends to see The Odd Life Of Timothy Green.

I loved the movie, and knew there was a good chance I would cry at some point, but I didn't expect it to be 10 minutes in! Not to spoil anything for you, but the couple in the movie is dealing with infertility. They have gotten the news that despite all medical efforts they will not be able to conceive. They are, of course, devastated. As a way to cope with that reality and begin moving on they write down all the characteristics they would have wanted in their child on little sheets of paper. Then they take the sheets, put them in a little box, and bury them in the back yard. 

This is where I was struggling to hold it together. Because that was me. No, I didn't bury a box in my yard, but I did have to LET GO. My life has turned out nothing like I envisioned. I had a picture in my head of what my family would look like, and this was not it. 

For a long time, I prayed for God's will while desperately clinging to my own will. When I laid my desires before God ... every single one of them ... and then let them go, He began to bless me more than I could have imagined. If He told me I could change everything and have my life turn out the way I had planned but experience none of the utter joy and mind-blowing miracles ... and even the gut-wrenching heartache of the past 6 years, I WOULDN'T DO IT. I would not trade His plan for mine. His way is best.

Also, this week I have seen God working in my sweet 5 year old. We've talked about adoption his whole life, but lately he has been asking lots of deeper questions as he relates this adoption with his own experience. I've read this book to him before ...

But this week I could barely make it through. I got choked up on nearly every page. I just reflected on where we started six years ago ... the way God used Jackson to change our whole focus (from our loss and disappointment to His desires for our family) ... and where He's brought us today. And where He's taking us on Wednesday. :) 

I'll miss my boys. This is the longest I've ever been away from them (by far). If you're praying for our family this week, please remember the boys. Rylee and I had a blast preparing these to help them count down the days until we're home. 

My boys love little treats from the Dollar Store better than anything. There are 14 treats for them to look forward to and open each day. And after the last one, they'll get to meet their new sister! (And I apologize now to our parents for day 10 ... whoopee cushions!) 

Well, I hope to be able to update the blog while we're gone. But if you don't hear from me in the next couple of weeks, don't go too far. I can't wait to show off our girl, share of the miracles we've experienced, and celebrate with you in what God has done!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Travel Approval!!!!

We got our TRAVEL APPROVAL on Tuesday and are working to schedule our itinerary today!!! Charlotte's GOTCHA day will be AUGUST 27th!!!! More later about the details! Keep those prayers coming!!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Heart Sick

I'm not a big fan of negativity. I really, really try to see things in a positive light. But I miss my child. I know that is not rational because I have never physically seen her. But God has put a mother's love for her in my heart, and I cannot do anything for her. I cannot hug her or feed her or laugh at the funny things she does or tuck her in bed at night. And just like a mother who is 41 weeks pregnant knows that her baby will not reside under her ribs forever ... it feels like she's never coming. And my heart is aching. Please pray that we get travel approval soon.

A little gift that was delivered to my inbox the other night ... one last peak at her before we see her in person.